Friday, September 30, 2011

I've resorted to kindergarten tactics...

This morning I tweeted:

Hey @Hollisterco do a mother a fav & make some jeans that don't look like my kids ass is hanging out. At $50/pr u can afford the material!

I would like to say that we've overcome the 'pull up your pants' portion of the teen years, but apparently that is just not so. 


Today was a dress-down day at the Kid's school, otherwise known as a holy day for the private school sect.  Jeans can be worn with impunity and ties are not required.  Sounds easy right?


If you thought that, you would be WRONG!


For the nominal $2.00 fee it costs to not wear the uniform, you too can have the right to argue with your kid in the morning before school as to how much of his 'cool-boxers' (yes, he actually said that) he can show.


If you're one of my regular readers, you know right were this is going...


Me: Pull up your pants.


Kid: If I pull them up anymore I'm going to get crotch rot or something.


Me: What? That's not even possible.  Whatever, I don't want a phone call from school because someone can see your ass.


Kid: But I'm wearing my cool-boxers. (See, it actually happened.)


Me: Get in the car.  I better not get a phone call.


Kid (getting in the car): Hey, the windshield wiper just sprayed water in my face.


Me: Yeah, well if you pulled up your pants that wouldn't happen.


Kid: WHAT are you talking about?!


Me: From now on my only response, no matter the question, is going to be 'Pull up your pants.'


Me: Example: What? Your hungry? Well, you wouldn't be if you pulled up your pants.  Basically like that.


Kid: You're nuts.


Me: I wouldn't be if you pulled up your pants.


Playground tactics, I know, but really he's left me no choice.  That and it really simplifies our conversations.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Random Kid Convo of the Week

Me: Can you grab the soup pot out of the fridge and put it on the counter?

Kid: Jeezsus this thing weighs a ton.

Me: What? We're Italian. I'm afflicted with the 'Not Enough' gene.

Kid: You made enough for us AND the poor!

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Kid: I need $20 bucks.  I need to pay my class dues.

Me: I already paid that.

Kid: No, that was the $10 you gave me for my orchestra dry cleaning fee, for my tux.

Me: What do I look like, an ATM?

Kid: No. Well, maybe.  It depends on what I'm asking for.

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Smart ass.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Another reason I'm going straight to hell...

Text convo between me and my BFF last night before Mass started. 

Yes, I was texting in church.


Yes, I am Catholic.

Yes, she is Catholic.

Yes, I'm certain we're both going to hell.

Me: G

Her: G?

Me: I hit the send but by accident. God...We're off to church. Ugh, don't ask, it's a school thing.

Her: I've suddenly developed a nervous tick...

Me: Christ, I know. Some foolish blessing of the rings and some such nonsense.

Her: Is the Fellowship of the Ring going to be there? Cuz that would be cool.

Me: You are HILARIOUS! Although that would probably make this go by quicker. Oh and I'm starving. This is why I sent my kid to private school not catholic school. Gah! And I want a taco.

Her: Yeah, that's a little weird.  You should tell them you're a wiccan or something. Tell them you need everyone at the ceremony to be naked or they're violating your beliefs.

Me: Oh sorry, should've been more clear. This thing is for the Chica's school. She goes to St. Lulu's. If it was the Kid we'd be at home eating Doritos in front of the tv.

Her: oooohhhh. That makes more sense.  It has something to do with protecting virgins....

Me: Seriously? Or are you making that shit up?

Her: I'm not making anything up. There are these chastity rings...there's an episode of South Park called 'The Ring'.

Me: I'll have to check out that South Park thing.

Her: Yes. It's all about protecting virgins.

Me: Fantastic. If you could see some of these girls...there's nothing virginal about them.

Her: I know. I felt old for the first time this year on campus when I thought all the girls looked whorish and all the boys needed a hair cut.

Me: I just want to scream at them to put some clothes on!

Her: I just had a chocolate chip cookie.

Me: I'm getting the evil eye from the old lady next to me. Effing Mass hasn't even started yet! And shut up about your cookie.

Her: Tell her you're protecting virgins.

Me: I was going to go with 'bite me' but yours works too. God! There are people here with cameras.

Her: Pervs. Trying to take pictures of the virgins.

Me: Bahahaha. Ciao, Mass is going to start.

Her: Ciao!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I had forgotten...

Last Saturday Raine from Pursuit of Peace and I made a trek to Ikea because she had never been.  Ikea is fairly new in our area so it's still a novelty for us.  To all of you that have embraced and bowed down to that which is Ikea, that's how we feel about Target.

Anywho,

Raine brought her most adorable son, Ryder, with her.  He is four.

And I had forgotten.

I had forgotten that four year olds are curious about everything...and they have a continuous running monologue as soon as they get over their 10 minutes of shyness.

In the mock kitchens we opened every cabinet, every oven, and every fridge.  Dishwashers were especially fascinating, apparently they do not have one at home, but it had a handle, so...we opened it.

Bar code scanners could not be passed without scanning something.  Anything.

Maps...you must follow the arrows on the map.  He held the map, I held the map, there were serious map consultations.

Oh, and the arrows on the floor? You absolutely MUST follow those.

Lunch? You mean they have food? Chicken fingers and fries, by the window, in the super tall chairs.

Two-thirds of the way through the store he was tired, Raine had sensory overload (I warned her) and I was clutching the two pillows I could not leave without.

We were ready to call our shopping trip a success after going through the self-serve checkout, more scanning yo, but first we needed the Ikea girl to void out a few things because we may have gotten a little excited with the hand scanner.

Ryder and I are, of course, BFF's now and I've been invited over to play Sponge Bob games.

All because I had forgotten how easy it is to adore a four year old.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Sport-Talk with The Kid

There is no more room left in my head for sports.  I've learned the rules of baseball, twice.  Apparently the rules for Little League are different than the rules for Babe Ruth. So as a parent, a sport-parent, I feel like I've done my part.

With that being said, the Littlest Kid is playing flag football this fall.

I know nothing about football. 

NUH-THING.

Going into last nights game, here's what I knew:

We were the red team.  LK was #7....

Kid: Why are you clapping?

Me: He caught the ball.

Kid: Do you have any idea what's going on?

Me: He caught the ball!

Kid: Do you even know if it was an offensive play or defensive play?

Me: Nope. He caught the ball.

Kid: Please stop.  You're going to hurt yourself.

Me: Can they pick up the ball of it hits the ground?

The Kid: *face palm*

The BF's Dad turns to me and says: Aren't they supposed to stop the clock on an incomplete pass?

Me: OMG! You're asking ME?

The Kid to the BF's Dad: Her head is going to explode if you keep asking her stuff like that.

The Kid to Me: Stick to the math nerd-girl.

Me: *sticks out tongue at Kid*

So anyway, we won, by a field goal or something.

Or maybe it was an extra point.

Whatever, we won.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Random Kid Convo

Yesterday the Kid had field hockey practice.

Yes, my teenage son plays field hockey, he's always been one to shake things up, as a matter of fact another boy joined the team this year too so I guess he would be considered a trend setter now.

Anywho, after his practice he helped out with the Littlest Kid's football practice, so I didn't see him until around 7pm, when he and the BF got home.

As he's coming through the front door...

Kid: Maaaaaaaa!!

Me: What?!

Kid: Look at my NEW STICK!

Me: It's pink.

Kid: They're all pink.

Me: And sparkly.

Kid:  They're all the same.

Me: Aren't your school colors maroon and gold?

Kid: Yup.

Me: Pink.

Kid: Yup.

Me: ???

Kid: I told the coach I wanted the one that looked the newest.

Me: Um, why?

Kid: Cuz, if I have to carry a pink stick, it better be the BEST MOTHER EFFING PINK STICK THEY'VE GOT!

Touche, my son, touche. Always walk tall and carry a big stick.  Even if it is pink.

And that is why my kid is AWESOME!

Monday, September 12, 2011

If you give Frannie a three day weekend...

If you give Frannie a three day weekend, she will want to visit her parents.


When she visits her parents, they will want to give her a piece of furniture that no longer fits in their spare room.


When Frannie accepts this piece of furniture, she will want to rearrange her current furniture so that it will fit in her dining room.


(This will involve help from the Boyfriend.)


When the BF realizes that Frannie wants to move the 200 year old, passed down, hand-made, trucked across the country in a covered wagon, by Irish immigrants, worth a bagillion dollars, 700 lb, Breakfront...among other things, he makes her swear that this will be its final resting place until we leave this house.


Forever.


When the Breakfront is moved and the new piece of furniture is in, Frannie will realize that the rocking chair that the BF lovingly restored for her is still without a cushion and she will want to go to Pier 1 in search of a cushion, with the BF, who just wants to mow the lawn.


Once, she finds a cushion which matches the orange leather sofa and the cranberry red walls of her living room, she will want a nap.


Because three day weekends are way more exhausting than work!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Yes. I Eat Six Times a Day

Friday @massholemommy and I were having a Twitter convo regarding food.  More to the point, how many times we eat a day. I was going to put this in a personal email to her but I've decided to share it with all of you.

I'm Italian, food is a huge part of my life.  Between my grandma, my dad, and my mom (yes, mom, even you) I learned to feed myself.

In other words: cook.

For the sake of disclosure : I'm 5' tall and as of this morning before I started typing this post I weighed 117 lbs.

I eat between 6 and 8 meals a day and although I have a gym membership I hardly use it.  So for the all intents and purposes exercise is not part of my daily weight control scheme.

When I told @massholemommy how I many times I eat per day she was surprised, so I told her I would give her a simple breakdown of what I could possibly eat on a given day.

If it's a work day I don't eat before I leave the house, I just don't have time but I'm usually in my office by 7:45 - 8 o'clock. (I pack everything the night before or I already have it in the fridge at work.)

Coffee

8:00am 1/2 cup Fage Greek Yogurt (Zero Fat kind)/2 Tbsp Agave Nectar/Strawberries
In the winter I make egg white omelets in muffin tins and freeze them, two to a snack bag.

9:00am Banana or in the winter 1 cup of Steel Cut Irish Oatmeal (I like McCann's) with a pat of butter and sprinkle of salt.

11:30am Salad - Mixed greens (never iceberg) usually romaine/baby romaine/spinach, cucumber unpeeled, carrots, avocado, pepper....you get the idea.  No dressing.

12:30pm - 1:00pm (depending on the day) small portion of leftovers from the previous nights dinner, which could be grilled chicken or a small piece of steak/sweet potato/broccoli/cauliflower. Or whole wheat pasta with steamed vegetables, olive oil and Romano cheese (this one's really popular at our house).

2:30 - 3:00pm Something crunchy and carby.  If I've made Chex Mix (classic) for the kids I'll take a sandwich bag size portion, or homemade croutons made out of left over bread.

5:30pm - 6:00pm Dinner.  Whether I do meat or whole wheat pasta I always either steam or roast the vegetables, I don't boil, and I have some type of whole grain.  Quinoa is one of my favorites and Trader Joe's carries a great frozen variety with squash and curry.  Otherwise I bake sweet potatoes and use a smidgen of butter.

A few notes:

I usually drink water or tea at the office throughout the day, after my morning coffee that is.

I drink generic brand seltzer at home.  Sometimes with a splash of fruit juice.  I only buy Simply brand juices in the refrigerated section because it's not from concentrate.  Their lemonades are fairly popular in our house.

I like Fage brand greek yogurt because one serving (1 cup) contains 26g of protein. Not all greek yogurts are created equal, make sure you're reading the labels before you buy.  Even though I only eat half the recommended serving, the protein in it keeps me from feeling ravenous by 10am.

We eat waaaayyyy more veggies than broccoli and cauliflower but those were prevalent on this past week's menu so I went with those.  Mix it up for yourself so you don't get bored.

Yes I eat butter.  Real butter, not margarine or any other weird substitute. That goes for just about anything synthetic, use the real stuff in moderation and you won't be sorry. You'll be skinny.

Yes, I eat bread, sugar and flour. Just not white bread or sugar or flour.

Yes, I cheat. I'm a slave to a box of JuJuBes and I love a Coke now and then but never diet. Aspartame is literally the devil.  I also love McDonald's McNuggets, they are also the devil but every few months I give in.  It keeps me sane.  And as @massholemommy knows I love a sausage and cheese pizza. :)

I didn't consciously eat this way when I was younger but my eating habits have evolved into this method.  I also do it because I want my kids to eat better.

How do I know it works?

Three years ago the BF (at 180 lbs) began a construction job which had one morning break and one afternoon break (not usually the case) in addition to a lunch break; after a vicious fight of whether or not I would make his lunches (he loves my cooking, he just didn't want me to add one more thing to my list of things to do) or he would eat off the lunch cart, he gave in.

Using  the above method, just changing the times when he ate to fit their break times...

He lost 45 lbs.

And three years later, has kept it off.




Saturday, September 3, 2011

Friday, September 2, 2011

Read/Comment/Read/Comment

I've been neglecting my blog reading lately.

So as of right now I'm taking my laptop to my patio home office to read and comment on all of the things I've been missing.